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OK, yeah, I did it. I think it stopped when I stopped searching for a guy to share my life with. The year I had twins, I am pretty sure I stopped looking in the mirror altogether. For some reason, I did it again last week, and I wasn’t impressed. I realized pretty quickly that I had two choices: 1) Keep inspecting and find all my imperfections, then begin to hate myself because of them OR 2) Accept that I have imperfections, but stop looking for them and move on. I chose #2.
Now, don’t go thinking that I have fully accepted everything about physical being, because I certainly have not. It seems like it will take a life-time to completely accept my wrinkled belly, even though I know I should be grateful for how well it served as a home to three babies. I can’t really see myself ever wearing a bikini. And my freakin’ hair is driving me nuts (it’s the growing it out phase of my hair cycle… might quickly become the shave it-all-off-again phase). But I want to be accepting of myself and how I look. I also want to accept how my body works. Or doesn’t.
My back is crooked again. This has been on-again, off-again since Dec. 2008 (my back has a longer history, though, with surgery for scoliosis when I was almost 13), when I found out about my disc problem. I am no longer surprised when it happens, but I still get discouraged. I went to dance last night (as I do every week) because it’s usually my place to release stress and have fun. I knew I wouldn’t be able to move like usual, but I really let it get to me last night, with tears and all, keeping myself apart from the group. I guess I needed that. Once again, I saw it as two choices, just like with the mirror. I decided to move on, and surrender my situation. I was finally able to dance with everyone for the last few songs. As usual, Mike’s facilitation seemed to speak right to me, since he spoke of surrender, and allowing our bodies to move without effort. I so needed those words.
It always surprises me, but I am kind of grateful for my crooked back. Because of it, I have compassion for other people who can’t physically do what they feel they should be able to do. I am more grateful for my good days, when body feels strong. I am grateful for my children for keeping me from dwelling on my suffering.
If only I could be grateful for zits.
On a different note (how else do you segue from zits to music?), I have been listening to DiRTY RADiO non-stop for the last week. Once I hook onto something I like, I obsess and listen to it to death. Proud to say it’s Canadian music! Oh, and he can hit the high notes – why do I always love when guys can hit high notes?? I might have a little crush on him (yes, hubby knows about my crushes, it’s all good). Happy dancing!
I’m starting to get kind of caught up in the lack of sales lately, and what that means. I’d like to get back to the focus on making art, without as much concern about what’s happening at the other end. My goal is to sell three items a week on etsy. I would love to make this a reality, but it seems that my intentions are a bit weak at the moment. I’m not sure what’s holding me back!
My little guy crawled into bed this morning and was piping hot – he’s got a fever. Poor guy! He was really looking forward to going to a birthday party today. Oh well! I ended up taking my daughters on a long walk (about 40 minutes both ways). We went to a couple shops and I picked up a yogurt maker – looking forward to trying it out! We ended with some sushi and walked back home. It was fun, but we are a bit worn out now. Ok, I am a bit worn out – they still have TONS of energy.
I’m like one of those lab rats running around a maze, always coming back to the same spot. I’ve been keeping track of my back issues, and I’m on a (about) 2 month cycle of feeling good and treating myself well, and then letting all slide (which mean sitting more than I should). I have that tightness in my lower back again. It always scares me when it starts, and I am very much aware of how I focus on the negative and want it to go away. This doesn’t help at all.
I recently started meditating again (there have been lots of fresh starts for meditating!!) and I can really see the benefit now, especially with the back trouble. My “witness” part of me is easier to spot. The witness doesn’t feel the pain, but rather, notices that I (my body) am feeling pain, and that I (my mind) is stuck in the pain. This awareness lets me deal with it better, and allows me to remember that it won’t last forever.
I just finished reading “Room” by Emma Donoghue – it’s a touching, frightening, wonderful story, told from the point of view of Jack, a 5-year old boy. Jack likes to do “word sandwiches”, where he combines two words to make a new one. My favourite in the book, one that is appropriate for me right now is “scave”. I am scared and brave at the same time.
I love how sketches can draw me back to the time when they were made. These pages were done at Starbucks, when my Ma was visiting us in November. I don’t usually spend much time there (my Mom does, though!!), but it was so cozy and comforting to be in a warm place, on a cold day, drinking hot, sweet drinks, with my Ma!! We worked on the drawing on the right together, taking turns saying, “Switch!”, when we would have to turn the page around and continue drawing. I’ve only done a couple drawings like this (with other people), but I really like how they turn out. And now when I see it, I think of my Mom. I love you, Ma!!
WordPress has started a Post a Day and Post a Week challenge. I am so tempted by these challenges, which is why I am right in the middle of the Sketchbook Project! But – I’m almost done! Just *this* close to finishing! I’m seriously behind on scanning the images in, but that will happen, eventually. I was tempted by Flickr’s 365 Day project as well, but I know I wouldn’t be able to keep up to that one. So… should I join in on the Post a Week? Or is that too much pressure?