I am limited by my own creativity; I have so many ideas, and everyday, there are more and more, and they pile on top of the previous ideas, becoming overwhelming, and then, avoided. I avoid them by procrastinating, by staying up too late, by watching porn, by eating sugar, or eating when I am not even hungry. These ideas need a home, a framework, a place where they can preside and be welcomed, and stored neatly.
This home for ideas is my own, and as such, it will be a place where decision are made about which ideas are allowed to stay, and which ones are turned away at the door. There isn’t room for all my ideas in this home. Some may have to stay outside for awhile, waiting. Some ideas will get priority space – in the kitchen, where they will be fed and nurtured. Others may need some time to rest and gather energy, cozy in the bedroom. Other ideas will be inspected and examined in the washroom, while some will be manifested in the studio.
A year ago, at the Great Life Redesign retreat in Banff, Alberta, I thought I had a great idea to create a workshop to inspire others to tap into their creativity – to help others realize that they can paint, can dance, can write, etc. I held two mock workshops in my home, using my friends as guinea pigs, and received lots of positive feedback. After that initial burst of inspiration, I sabotaged my own efforts through procrastination, and allowed my energy in the project to fade.
Today’s insight (through work with Tymothy Roy and his Deep Issue massage method – tell him I sent you!) is that by wanting to help others tap into their creativity, what I am really wanting is to prove them wrong when they say, “I can’t draw”, “I can’t dance”, or “I can’t paint”. I’ve discovered that my self worth is (and has been for most of my life) strongly linked to proving others wrong. In a weird and twisted way, this keeps me locked in a self-sabotage loop. When others show me my worth, through compliments, testimonials, kind words, and love, I aim to prove them wrong (by telling myself they are lying, by putting up walls, or by “being bad” and doing the same things I do to avoid my many creative ideas); by proving others wrong about my worth, I then feel my worth. It’s a shit-storm. Part of me thinks that this “should” change, and that I ought to break free of the loop, and somehow change my way of feeling worthy. On the other hand, my motto for this year is:
HONOUR MY BODY
so allowing myself to feel worth in this way, simply letting it be there and noticing it, rather than making myself wrong for it (A-ha! There I go again!) seems like an idea that I can allow into my home. Allowing, letting, noticing – this is probably the foundation of this home of ideas.