I am starting off a new project and honestly, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’ve already procrastinated for a full hour, looking for a new notebook, changing my music, talking, and now, here I am, but I’m scared. Scared this will be shit. Scared I won’t have anything worthwhile to say. Scared that I won’t stick it out for the whole year. But really, I know I will.
I just finished a whole year of 1-inch drawings and now I’m embarking on a year-long writing project. What the fuck am I doing? I don’t write.
OK, so focus. First of all, like Laurie has said (and I am paraphrasing big time here), “Be OK with writing shit.” If I try to make everything come out perfectly, then it’s not going to happen at all. I already know this, since “Write the SelfLove365 book” has been on my To Do list for months now and hasn’t happened. But I am happy for that, because this is how it is meant to be.
So, each day, I will use my square from 2014 to inspire me to write on the topic of Self Love. And today, it’s about commitment.
I’ve been thinking lately that I no longer believe in commitment, mostly because JP and I have ended our marriage of 16 years. It’s not that I don’t believe in it, but rather, my definition of it has changed, as has my focus. I no longer think of committing myself, and my life, to another person, especially not in terms of duration. Why does committing to a person, or a marriage, mean that now I deny my inner truths just to maintain the commitment? Why did I have the belief that if I commit, then that makes me a good person?
Last night, Stephen spoke of commitment to an activity, which made me realize – YES! that is the type of commitment I want to pursue – commitment to the present moment.
Several years ago, during a Core Connexion dance class, Francis said to me, “You never commit to dancing with me,” and he was right. Since then, every time I dance with him, I am there, 100%.
I’ve noticed lately how half-assed I can be in my activities: entering my financial information while checking Facebook, or painting and taking frequent breaks to check email. Can I commit to the task at hand?
And for 2015, how can I commit to taking care of my body, to treat it as a temple? What steps can I take to commit to feeling my emotions as they arise? And, in what way can I commit to being gentle with myself when I don’t do the things I have said I want to commit to?
This week, I bought myself a self-commitment ring (thanks, Mandy, for the idea), to remind myself of the things I want in my life, and that the only person who can really look after me, is me.
I was about to end there, but I will add that I am committed to writing everyday, even though this could all be crap. Even though I am hating everything as I type it. Even though I am judging every single word. I am also committed to not editing my writing (I am working long-hand, and typing it out afterwards). There. Done.
Best of luck! I am embarking on my own 365 project this year too and wondering if I am crazy or just super ambitious. I am making a new paper cut every day based on my daily intention. Looking forward to following your progress.
Good luck with your project! 🙂
Brilliant. And perfect just the way it is. Sometimes, the best “art” comes from that place from within where there is no filter, censor or boundaries. It rings true, is genuine and honest of spirit and soul. Keep going! Annie
Thank you, Annie. Your encouragement means a lot! 🙂
Awesome, I just read your entry aloud to my grown up daughter and we talked about how the truths in your life are similar to ours. Thank you for your “transparency “!
Pauline – thank you so much for sharing with your daughter. For some reason, that brought tears to my eyes. You’ll see by today’s post that I am especially teary, though.
I like your description of commitment as an activity, since commitment, as I take it, requires the same kind of persistance and perpetual re-commitment that you describe as “commitment to the present moment” – but that it nevertheless also only lasts insofar as those are sustained. Commitment, in other words, is a choice that’s made and re-made in each instant, rather than a one-time decision that binds us to a succession of future ones.
Still, I wonder to what extent it’s fair to describe something as a commitment if we feel, at every moment, the possibility of its impermanence. Shouldn’t commitments weigh on us, at least to some extent, since it’s that very pull or tether that reminds us that they’re importantly different than passing interests? (In other words, isn’t that weight sometimes an important and beneficial part of commitment?)
Catherine, in my view, everything IS impermanent, yet, I do agree about some degree of weight as an important part of commitment. I still see it as a constant reassessing, though. I heard a story about a couple who took their wedding rings off every night, and in the morning, they would reassess their commitment before putting the rings on again. That more accurately describes how I see it now.
Thankful I stumbled upon your blog while I was searching for a self love project for myself for the year. Loved loved yours from last year. Best wishes in 2015.
Glad you did! Please join our SelfLove365 FB group! <3
In today’s day and age of short attention span it is very hard to commit to anything longer than the attention span of a goldfish. Thanks for writing about commitment, I stopped, reflected and will aim to live more in the moment and focus on one creative thing at the time.
You’re welcome! I’m glad it spoke to you.