I often don’t allow myself to be big.
Yesterday my father wrote me a letter in which he asked me to welcome his fiance into the family, to make her feel welcome. This is all coming from the same man who has repeatedly told me that my current relationship “can’t last”. My father has a very long history of numerous relationships, all of which obviously ended at some point, and I have become disbelieving and cynical anytime he has uttered the words, “this is the one”. But I’ve recently realized how much of a mirror my father is for me. In order for him to develop any kind of hope for my relationship, I need to extend the same openness to him. And so I have.
When I received that letter from my father, I asked him to allow for the idea that my relationship makes me as happy as his makes him. But after sending my reply, I immediately worried that I was asking for too much, or being inappropriate. Being big, asking for what I want – these things are difficult for me at best, and cause me to doubt myself when the person I’m asking is my father. He represents the ultimate acceptance for me. I need to begin to let go of the desire to please him, and begin to see myself as the ultimate acceptance. And really, that is so true. How often do I really accept me, allow me to be who I am without judgement? My father is an external reflection of my own harsh judgements.