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Sometimes the voices in my head are ruthless and utterly nasty. When I am able to notice, I can stop being the victim of my own self-abuse. Meditation has been a useful tool for me to practice noticing, to hear those voices in my head, to see just how unrelenting they can be. Once I notice them, I am usually able to step back and find a way to honour myself, rather than shit all over me.
I mostly identify as an introvert, because I recharge by being in a quiet space, and I know that noisy and crowded places, like the mall, will tire me out quickly. I have developed the ability to appear extroverted, but it consumes a lot of my energy. One of the most loving things I can do for myself is to read while lying in bed, with nobody else around. I crave it. It nurtures me, and energizes me, and yet, I so rarely do it. I dream of doing it, but get distracted or too tired to get around to it. One of my goals is to treat my introverted self to this nurturing activity at least once a week. I know I am worth it, even if my actions are showing that I believe otherwise.
I am becoming more and more attuned to the synchronicities in my life and able to recognize when they are occurring. These meaningful coincidences a way that I can allow for the possibility that I am supported by the universe. The more I see synchronicity in my life, the more I trust that this is true.
Growing up, I learned to ignore my feelings by shoving them down and pretending they didn’t exist. Now I have a practice of sharing what comes up, at the time it comes up, especially with my lover, as I know he is accepting of, and willing to hear, whatever comes up for me. It’s not always pleasant, and sometimes my instinct to push it away is strong enough to keep me silent at first. Eventually, with a little prodding from him, or courage from myself, I will share it, even if I feel like I am being too much in the process, or worried about what he may think. The act of sharing almost always diminishes the emotional charge attached to the thought, allowing me to surrender to whatever my body wants to feel.
I usually have an easier time seeing my faults than I do seeing my strengths. I know I procrastinate a lot; in fact, I’m only writing this after 40 minutes of putting it off, and being completely unproductive. But on the other hand, today is the 323rd day of this year that I have sat down to write an entry on Self Love. I know I have perseverance, but I tend to forget and focus on other seemingly negative qualities. Someday I hope to be more gentle with myself, less inclined to prove why I am unworthy of love, and more able to see how I add value to the world. I’m doing what I am able to to shift my perspective in that direction. I am persevering.
my why brain can’t is I busy let and go full of of the so idea many that things I I am want unloved to and help unsupported my and children unworthy and why paint can’t and I there look are for lots ways of to things prove that to need myself to that get I done am but loved I instead put because them I off think and that they would stay feel stuck better in than my the head alternative
I often look for ways to prove that I am right about being unloveable, unsupported, or unworthy. In doing so, I feel unloveable, unsupported and unworthy (go figure!), and I don’t enjoy feeling this way. Proving I am right was a strategy that used to serve me, in some way, and I am noticing my desire to experiment with the opposite.
I need to start with the belief that I am loved. Maybe I don’t totally, fully, utterly believe it yet, but I also never fully believed the other story either. Then I can begin to look for ways to prove that my new story is right.
The way my children want to hug me and tell me they love me, even after I’ve told them something that angered and upset them.
The way you look at me, and tell me how you feel, hold me close, support me through my shit, and are willing to try new things with me, even when they are scary.
The “I love you”s, the hugs, the talks, the notes, the touch, the gifts, the time spent.
I feel loved.
This is the answer to yesterday’s question, “What do I want?” : I need to listen to my heart. Sometimes my head wants something, sometimes it’s my pussy, but in the end, I want to listen to my heart. Sometimes a list of pros and cons will help, but in the end, I will listen to my heart. Sometimes my brain wants what it thinks is good for me, what will open doors to more possibilities, what will push my limits of comfort, but in the end, I will listen to my heart. I will choose to act on my desires from a place of love.